Rumour Has It

A friend of mine ( who lives in another state) heard some delightful gossip about herself the other day and was telling me all about it on the phone today. I was organising my wardrobe and culling summer things and things I'll never fit into. Like a pair of gorgeous distressed and funky jeans a size too small, if I am to be believed, though My Beloved insists it is more like two sizes too small. 

She is, allegedly, cheating and 'could possibly even have lied about the paternity of one of her children'.

'What the hell?' I demanded, filled with outrage. 'Who the hell said that?' 'Why did they say that?' I asked 'Do I need to get my boots and shovel ready?' I added.  (The last part was a joke so calm down.) 

Even though my friend played it cool and acted like it was funny I knew it would be highly offensive, I mean the questioning her loyalty bit was bad enough, but the paternity of her children? Please. It is almost enough to have you chanting 'Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!' Yes, I have seen an episode or two of his show.

So what words of wisdom did I give her? What soothing words did I choose to dull her pain? Why, all the things I'd heard about myself over the years of course. I mean it is a well known fact that misery loves company and it is always nice to know that others have suffered as you are isn't it? I mean it makes it a little easier to bear. 

As I tried on my millions of pairs of jeans and then shoes and decided which to keep and which to dump on some poor unsuspecting soul. I told her how I was at one time (allegedly) a drunk and could be seen 'staggering around'  which shocked me as I am not a  big drinker, that My Beloved was asked if he and I had been married long and was then told ( with much surprise) that that particular person had assumed he was not the father of all of our children. This person has known me since childhood and if they didn't know this I can only imagine what other people think. I wont even mention the fact they all look alike and much to my never ending disgust look like HIM!! By the end of it I had pretty much done my side of the wardrobe and dresser and had my friend laughing at many other stories.

 "You know," she said after she finished laughing at my suggestion that it was probably a good thing people did not realise how boring I actually am. "They say that strong minds talk about ideas. Average minds talk about things that happen and weak minds discuss people,or something like that any way."

"They also say if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!" I said. It is a shame that is not always the case in reality. Later when My Beloved survived the trip home with The Man Child behind the wheel, I told him all about it. 

" Well she should start a rumour about herself, like she cooks a mean roast or knits really well or what ever she likes." he joked as he sat down to dinner. "You know I have been trying to start a rumour about myself for years."

"What?" I asked him.

" That I have a huge penis and I am great in bed." he said straight faced and started eating. "I have never heard it repeated though" he added. "Maybe you should start it for me?" 

" I tell you what," I laughed " I'll put this bit of the conversation in my blog."

"You gotta start somewhere I guess." he said.