'Keep medicine out of reach of Adam'

In our house the
medicine is locked away
from My Beloved for
very good reason.

Unfortunately for My Beloved he received some very bad news last night... for all of us. Especially me. You see he has developed a stomach ulcer. It is due to his  stress, the very occasional rum and my cooking... that, is according to him.

Of course I think it is due to his poor diet, tendency to become convinced 'we are all gonna die' if there is not a lot of cash in his wallet,his occasional rum, two sugars in his coffee, on his Weetbix and just about anything else he eats (I wont even start on the salt!!) and the millions of Bex and Vincents powders he used to pour into his system when ever his head,teeth or body hurt.

In our house the medicines are locked away, from HIM. He, like a lot of men I hear, suffers from pain soooooooo much worse than any other person on the face of the planet. A headache, toothache or body ache is reason enough to have at least three paracetamols,ibuprofen,aspirin ( or what ever is on offer really) at least every four hours. Until a few years ago this was a typical 'ache' response

'Where are the -insert over the counter pain relief here-?'

'Where they always are?... Why?'

'I have a terrible -insert body part here-ache.'

'My poor baby' I'd say and pass him the pack.

He would take three out and then take about five minuets to swallow them. Usually, and not because, as he suspected, I was evil, it would be the ordinary size tablets. After a few 'terrible aches' I started to buy the gel caps and smaller capsules because 'my poor baby' cant swallow the tablets. - insert eye roll here-.
 After one particularly bad toothache (and on this occasion it was bad enough to go to the dentist after two days of rolling in pain.) I was told about a liquid kind of pain relief called Pain Stop. I brought it and apparently it worked not all that well because he drank the whole bottle in that two days, well nearly all!

I decided that clearly the man could not be trusted with medication. So it became very apparent that I had to treat him like a child when ever he was ill otherwise he may just have no internal organs left functioning. I would have to get the medicine out of the box and bring more water than required because some times he may need a second try at swallowing the thing - insert another eye roll here-.

So it came as no surprise to him or me that I received the call at 9 o'clock last night that he had been booked into the hospital when he finally  did go to the emergency room. He had had too many rums (for his stomach, which since the ulcer popped up last January is exactly 2 and no more!) whilst he was guiding the backpackers around Fraser Island last week.

He took a bottle instead of his usual six pack. He didn't drink the whole bottle, I mean that would just be unprofessional. But he didn't stick to the '2 and no more' rule I had imposed after the first 'ulcer incident'. So by Friday he had 'intergestion' by Saturday morning he was unable to sleep. By Saturday afternoon when he left home to pick up the taxi he was hunched over the wheel.

'Stuff the taxi tonight, let the drunks walk home.' I said

'No. We got your GE bill to pay this week'

'Sorry whose GE bill? I'll have you know that YOU wanted the surround sound system, not me. And excuuuuuuuuse me for needing a fridge!' ( yes I get defencive, I mean who doesn't??)

'No we need the money'

'Not as much as we need you' I said. 'Make sure you go to the emergency room if it gets worse OK? There is no point in you killing yourself or your passengers because we like the sound of Twister in full Dolby Digital.'

He drove off and I knew he'd have to go to the doctor as he was in too much pain. So when he rang at 9 I was not surprised but was very worried. My drive way, seriously impassable for my 15 seater van, meant I was not going in there to be with him. The fact that the kids were asleep and I had left the baby seat in the 4WD were of little consequence as my mummy dear lives very close and she could have come to watch the kids.

'OK call me when you get into a room if the morphine hasn't kicked in to much by then OK?'

'Yeah'

'Do you want me to come in?'

'Nah'

'Have they given you something for the pain yet?'

'Yeah'

'Ok so you are all good then?'

'Yeah'

By that stage I realised he was in no pain and the whole conversation would be pointless from that point on so I said my goodbyes and stayed awake worrying till I fell asleep much later. On waking I rang the hospital as he was not answering his phone.

No record of him on the patients list so they put me  through to the ER no reports of him being there. OK I thought DO NOT PANIC. I would have been called if something serious had occurred. Take deep breaths. He is probably at his mums asleep,he couldn't drive home after all. Finally he answered his phone. He was fine still in a lot of pain but fine and would be home soon.

When he arrived the kids ran out to find out about his hospital visit ooohing and ahhhhing over his wrist band and the three round Band Aids that showed where the drip and needles had gone.

'What did you eat?' asked Miss Thinker

'Nothing'

'Well then thats why you had to go to hospital, the starving people always have to go to hospital dad'

That brought My Beloved on to the topic of my cooking.

'The doctor said I have to quit smoking.'

'Good! Thank you ulcer!' Big Miss said

'You will die if you smoke you know dad' Miss Independent added

'I will die if mum doesn't start to cook less crap food' My Beloved joked

'Um what?' I said

'Less processed stuff so no more take out stuff, more veges and no more packet stuff' he said smiling he knows me too well.

'What ever, there is nothing wrong with my cooking thankyou very bloody much!'

'Dont worry mum just dont make anything yummy for him and give it all to us' Miss Thinker said

'I might not ever feed him again.' I said to her 'but it is true daddy has to eat differently which means mum has to make dinners with more vegetables than anything else, it is  healthier anyway I said.


So there you have it, our bad news, No smoking, No drinking AT ALL for My Beloved and the most tragic news of all I HAVE TO START COOKING FROM SCRATCH AGAIN...... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!




Update: Since starting this post four hours ago I have spent three of those hours keeping a close eye on My Beloved as I didn't take his medicine off him straight away and he decided that the instructions ONE tablet TWICE a day didn't apply to him and as his pain was getting worse he would have a THIRD tablet. Since then I have Googled very sparingly (as we all now what happens when you Google an illness dont we)what happens when you take too much of his particular medication his killer headache and dry mouth is a result of too much of his medicine...No sleep for me tonight. And a BIG plate of brussels sprouts for My Beloved for dinner tomorrow night! He wants lots of veges? He'll get em!