Shooting Blanks

Well. He survived! He was put under... hence the 'luxury' Vasectomy. I waited outside with Littlest Miss & Mr Cheeky. I am pretty sure that children, surgical equipment and Testes are not a good mix. We waited outside so Mr Cheeky could run riot in the van... Yes it is big enough for that.


The nurse came out to let me know it was done and I could come in to help wake him up. I should have taken a photo, but despite how I may seem I am not that mean. So there he lay. Asleep with a sheet, ice pack, shirt & socks on, a common thing with men in the vasectomy room I am assured. 


'Hey Darls.' I said


'Oh are they going to let you in?'


'No. It is done now.'


'Is it?'


'Yes. How do you feel now your not a real man anymore?' I joked


'Is it really done? Are you sure?'


'Yep. All done everything is intact and all is well.'


'Well I don't remember it.'  he was looking at his watch and trying to comprehend that 45mins had passed since he could actually remember anything.


'Well. That didn't even hurt at all.' he said.


The nurse and I giggled and the doctor came to check on him.


'I wont bother telling you anything,' he said to My Beloved ' You wont remember anything.'


 He then told me that for the next 48 there was to be no walking around (toilet trips excepted) ice every fifteen minuets and no lifting anything for a week.When it was decided he could get up I helped him dress. It was funny to see a grown man a little confused about which part of his slacks were the front and even funnier to see him try to put them on! 


'Ok' I said after buckling up the kids. 'Do you want to get something on the way home?'


'Yes, Mitre 10 is having a closing down sale and I saw decking oil going very cheap.' He said. 'Oh and I want some yummies.' he laughed, oh yes off his head.


'Ok. We will get that later. How does KFC sound?'


'Yes. Some yummies.'

'Ok'


'Did I 'Veet' enough area. Did they say anything about that?'


'Yes. They were impressed, in fact it was the first thing they said to me. What a good job you did.'


'Did they? Good.'


So clearly THAT was a serious concern for him. Who'd have 'thunk' it?
I drove home astounded at how many bumps were in the local roads but didn't worry too much about avoiding every one. I mean it not like he'd remember. ;)

Click Goes the Shears Boys 'Snip. Snip. Snip.'

Well tomorrow is D-Day for 'Daddy'. He is off to the vet Doctor for the scariest thing to happen to My Beloved. He is to be spaded given the Snip. Now he really is not looking forward to it and has 'ordered' the 'Luxury' Vasectomy ( which from what he says basically involves an extra bit of numbing gel Before the numbing needle.) Instead of paying $450 we will be forking out $750. My Father has for years, been offering to do it with two bricks. My younger brother often joked about using a rubber band, 'You know, like they do with sheep!'


The Veet tube was out tonight and it was a laugh. Not one to read, ask or even listen to Instructions My Beloved couldn't remember exactly how 'much' he'd be 'Veeting'. He says he was joking when he thought he should, just to be on the safe side 'Veet' from neck to knee. I assured him that it would not be necessary. He toddled off to the bathroom with his tube of hair remover.


 I was sitting at the dining table that, as soon as the dinner dishes were removed by the Man Child and Biggest Miss, I had turned into my painting area. There I sat painting 'dots'. Whilst my beautiful children washed and dried. I tell you I felt like the Queen. They didn't have to be asked and didn't fight whilst doing it. Of course all the talk of things getting chopped off and my off handed comment about daddy killing future siblings may just have scared them into it.


'Oh god... Emmmm.' My Beloved called from the bathroom.


'What' I laughed. Expecting to hear him tell me about how something was 'tingling' or some other thing. I walked actually,I pushed through the bathroom door (you have to push it open... My Beloved did hang it after all). Instead I saw My Beloved in the tub Veet tube next to him and a white substance all over his face, chest and hair.


'I think  went a little over board.' He said.


'What!' I said staring at him. He laughed and repeated himself. 'Your a D#&khead.' I said laughing and shut the door behind me. 


Yeah he is a funny man, but we will see how funny he is tomorrow. I have an esky stocked with ice and frozen peas to sit by the bed/couch for the next couple of days. I mean if he thinks I am going to pander to him whilst this is occurring well, he obviously  doesn't remember my labours! ;)

He's Still Got It!

Yesterday My Beloved was hit on in the park. Around the time I was snooping around trying to get a better glimpse at the big family HE was being chatted up.


'Oh guess what?' He asked me as we pulled out of the parking space.


'What?' I asked. Not really caring about the response, I mean 18 yrs, 7 kids he has clearly got a great deal of my attention so don't start judging me now.


'I was hit on at that flying fox swing.'' he said grinning


'By the woman in the orange dress?' I said ( see I told you he had my attention)


'How did you know?' he seemed a tad disappointed that it was 'old news'.


'I saw her over there talking to you.'


'Yeah well I helped her daughter onto the flying fox thing. And she came over was talking to me and asked if I was married' the grin was back.


'Oh you're very proud of you're self' I laughed 'You've still got it Bay-bay.'


He laughed  and we managed to get ourselves onto the highway heading for home.


'So, what did you say?' I asked


'I said of course I am. If I wasn't I'd be at the beach not in a playground full of kids!'


'Well you lucked out you know.' I said


'How?'


'She had a new four wheel drive and new caravan and one of those dog types you like.' ( Yes, he get my attention.)


'Really, damn it, and her kids were really nice too'.




So there you have it, a conversation a married couple with seven kids have. Not very exciting or that different from everyone else. And Please if YOU see my husband ask him a question or two it is GREAT for his self esteem! ;)

Ten Things I Love About Him

What are the things you love about your family? This week I have decided I will think about them all and narrow it down to ten things.

My Beloved

#1  I love that silly giggle he gets when he has said something 'naughty'. He doesn't know he does it and I love it.

#2  The way he wakes up at anytime and tries to sell me something, asks me really weird questions like 'Where have all the women gone' or 'Where is the bus of terrorists?'.

#3  The way he totally gets that 'my' babies sleep with me. 

#4  The way he sticks to his principles even when I totally disagree and argue with him because of it.

#5  His work ethic. The fact he has one, not because he has 'lots of kids' but because he has one.

#6  His Self Control. The fact he can be so calm and collected with situations and people that I would have completely lost it over.

#7  His sense of humour. His quick wit and that he can make me laugh and laugh and laugh.

#8  The fact he does what he says he will do and sticks by it when it matters. If he makes a promise he keeps it. He doesn't make many but when he does it can be depended on.

#9  That nobody 'knows' him like I do.

#10  That he would do anything for me and our kids. That I can trust him completely with everything that counts in this world.

'Keep medicine out of reach of Adam'

In our house the
medicine is locked away
from My Beloved for
very good reason.

Unfortunately for My Beloved he received some very bad news last night... for all of us. Especially me. You see he has developed a stomach ulcer. It is due to his  stress, the very occasional rum and my cooking... that, is according to him.

Of course I think it is due to his poor diet, tendency to become convinced 'we are all gonna die' if there is not a lot of cash in his wallet,his occasional rum, two sugars in his coffee, on his Weetbix and just about anything else he eats (I wont even start on the salt!!) and the millions of Bex and Vincents powders he used to pour into his system when ever his head,teeth or body hurt.

In our house the medicines are locked away, from HIM. He, like a lot of men I hear, suffers from pain soooooooo much worse than any other person on the face of the planet. A headache, toothache or body ache is reason enough to have at least three paracetamols,ibuprofen,aspirin ( or what ever is on offer really) at least every four hours. Until a few years ago this was a typical 'ache' response

'Where are the -insert over the counter pain relief here-?'

'Where they always are?... Why?'

'I have a terrible -insert body part here-ache.'

'My poor baby' I'd say and pass him the pack.

He would take three out and then take about five minuets to swallow them. Usually, and not because, as he suspected, I was evil, it would be the ordinary size tablets. After a few 'terrible aches' I started to buy the gel caps and smaller capsules because 'my poor baby' cant swallow the tablets. - insert eye roll here-.
 After one particularly bad toothache (and on this occasion it was bad enough to go to the dentist after two days of rolling in pain.) I was told about a liquid kind of pain relief called Pain Stop. I brought it and apparently it worked not all that well because he drank the whole bottle in that two days, well nearly all!

I decided that clearly the man could not be trusted with medication. So it became very apparent that I had to treat him like a child when ever he was ill otherwise he may just have no internal organs left functioning. I would have to get the medicine out of the box and bring more water than required because some times he may need a second try at swallowing the thing - insert another eye roll here-.

So it came as no surprise to him or me that I received the call at 9 o'clock last night that he had been booked into the hospital when he finally  did go to the emergency room. He had had too many rums (for his stomach, which since the ulcer popped up last January is exactly 2 and no more!) whilst he was guiding the backpackers around Fraser Island last week.

He took a bottle instead of his usual six pack. He didn't drink the whole bottle, I mean that would just be unprofessional. But he didn't stick to the '2 and no more' rule I had imposed after the first 'ulcer incident'. So by Friday he had 'intergestion' by Saturday morning he was unable to sleep. By Saturday afternoon when he left home to pick up the taxi he was hunched over the wheel.

'Stuff the taxi tonight, let the drunks walk home.' I said

'No. We got your GE bill to pay this week'

'Sorry whose GE bill? I'll have you know that YOU wanted the surround sound system, not me. And excuuuuuuuuse me for needing a fridge!' ( yes I get defencive, I mean who doesn't??)

'No we need the money'

'Not as much as we need you' I said. 'Make sure you go to the emergency room if it gets worse OK? There is no point in you killing yourself or your passengers because we like the sound of Twister in full Dolby Digital.'

He drove off and I knew he'd have to go to the doctor as he was in too much pain. So when he rang at 9 I was not surprised but was very worried. My drive way, seriously impassable for my 15 seater van, meant I was not going in there to be with him. The fact that the kids were asleep and I had left the baby seat in the 4WD were of little consequence as my mummy dear lives very close and she could have come to watch the kids.

'OK call me when you get into a room if the morphine hasn't kicked in to much by then OK?'

'Yeah'

'Do you want me to come in?'

'Nah'

'Have they given you something for the pain yet?'

'Yeah'

'Ok so you are all good then?'

'Yeah'

By that stage I realised he was in no pain and the whole conversation would be pointless from that point on so I said my goodbyes and stayed awake worrying till I fell asleep much later. On waking I rang the hospital as he was not answering his phone.

No record of him on the patients list so they put me  through to the ER no reports of him being there. OK I thought DO NOT PANIC. I would have been called if something serious had occurred. Take deep breaths. He is probably at his mums asleep,he couldn't drive home after all. Finally he answered his phone. He was fine still in a lot of pain but fine and would be home soon.

When he arrived the kids ran out to find out about his hospital visit ooohing and ahhhhing over his wrist band and the three round Band Aids that showed where the drip and needles had gone.

'What did you eat?' asked Miss Thinker

'Nothing'

'Well then thats why you had to go to hospital, the starving people always have to go to hospital dad'

That brought My Beloved on to the topic of my cooking.

'The doctor said I have to quit smoking.'

'Good! Thank you ulcer!' Big Miss said

'You will die if you smoke you know dad' Miss Independent added

'I will die if mum doesn't start to cook less crap food' My Beloved joked

'Um what?' I said

'Less processed stuff so no more take out stuff, more veges and no more packet stuff' he said smiling he knows me too well.

'What ever, there is nothing wrong with my cooking thankyou very bloody much!'

'Dont worry mum just dont make anything yummy for him and give it all to us' Miss Thinker said

'I might not ever feed him again.' I said to her 'but it is true daddy has to eat differently which means mum has to make dinners with more vegetables than anything else, it is  healthier anyway I said.


So there you have it, our bad news, No smoking, No drinking AT ALL for My Beloved and the most tragic news of all I HAVE TO START COOKING FROM SCRATCH AGAIN...... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!




Update: Since starting this post four hours ago I have spent three of those hours keeping a close eye on My Beloved as I didn't take his medicine off him straight away and he decided that the instructions ONE tablet TWICE a day didn't apply to him and as his pain was getting worse he would have a THIRD tablet. Since then I have Googled very sparingly (as we all now what happens when you Google an illness dont we)what happens when you take too much of his particular medication his killer headache and dry mouth is a result of too much of his medicine...No sleep for me tonight. And a BIG plate of brussels sprouts for My Beloved for dinner tomorrow night! He wants lots of veges? He'll get em!

I have feelings too you know, Emma

A month ago I saw a sale, two T shirts for fifteen dollars. Bargain.  I'd buy two for My Beloved. I found the perfect two and I was very happy with them. He came home from three night shifts driving taxis in a row and I bombarded him with them when he walked in the door. 

'Yes I like them' he said.

'I thought you would' 

I mentally patted myself on the back. It isn't often he likes the things I buy him. You've done it, he does like it! Oh yes it is sad when you are congratulating yourself on such things but oh well.

Two days later we were off to town. As he walked into the bathroom he asked me to get him something to wear. Naturally I got him a T shirt. He got dressed and was standing in front of the mirror when I came in.

'So do you like it?' I asked noticing it was a smidgen tight but just a smidgen. 

'It's a bit tight don't you think?'

 Now being the sort of person you do not specifically ask for their opinion unless you are prepared for it, come what may. I figured he had noticed the only thing about the shirt that didn't look great.

'I know what you're thinking' I said 'It is a bit tight in the chest. You're worried you can see your man boobs. But you cant' 

'Um. No.' he said with a bit of a laugh 'I wasn't thinking that at all. Do i have man boobs?' 

'No not really, I just thought because it is a bit tight around the chest... well it isn't even really tight. It looks perfect from the back.'

'So I should walk around backwards all day?' he joked.

 (This must be how men feel when asked by their wives or girlfriends if they look good I thought) I laughed my best oh your so funny and sexy laugh... it seemed to work. 

We finally managed to get into town. My comment forgotten (by me at least).

'I am just going to get a haircut.' he told me as he walked off. 

'Ok I'll be here.' I said.

20 minuets passed and he came back.

'

'Oh good.' I said 'Lets go. It is getting hot'.

 As we walked back towards our car, he pushing the pram and me carrying a wriggling two year old who seemed to want to play chicken with the odd car.  

He  said 'So what do you think?' 

I would have realised by the smile on his face. if i was not so busy with Mr Cheeky. that a positive response was not really optional but mandatory instead I missed it and said.

'It's OK. But it looks a bit crap so flat on your head.'

'I thought you liked  this style?' he said ruffling his hair. I still didn't pick up on it.

'It is a nice length and everything, I just think you should brush it back. It looks stupid all flat.'

'I got the hairdresser to style like this because you said you liked it like that.' 

Finally I picked up on it. A few years earlier when the 'Julius Caesar' style haircut was fashionable I had my aunt cut his hair and she did that style cut.  I had raved about it. It did look good, but what he had was not the same. So keeping that bit of information to myself I said 

'Run your fingers through it.' he did.              

'That looks better. Just needed a little bit of body. It is the perfect length for you.'

 The trick is to not go too overboard on the compliments. Otherwise they would have the opposite effect. So I proceeded to, over the course of the day, suggest that he was quite possibly THE most sexiest man IN the world bar absolutely no one not EVEN Johnny Depp ( and he knows what I think about Johnny Depp).

Finally, by the time the kids were all in bed I realised I had done it. I had managed to heal the bruised ego!

PHEW!

'

In completely related news: He brushes his hair back  and he is the sexiest man in the world, except MAYBE Johnny Depp.

Our love story is my favorite

Our Love Story


 It started 18 years ago. The short story goes exactly like this:


Love at first sight, We both decided we were meant for each other before we had even met.


We saw each other about two years before we REALLY saw each other.  He was fixing his car at the local store, I was prank calling some one at the public phone box. (Kids if you are reading this ignore that bit OK!)  


He remembers this because I was busted as a prank caller and had loudly defended myself to the poor harassed individual. I was with two friends and I do remember seeing two 'guys' leaning under the hood of a car. But not much else.


TWO YEARS LATER


HIS Version: I was working on my car (yes,he did that a lot) and I looked up and saw you and your friend walking up the road. You looked like what I imagined my 'wife' would look like when I was a kid.You had those sexy pink shorts on (don't worry it is G rated) and I thought I would marry you. Well that and other things.


MY Version: I was working in my mothers salon and happened to look out the window as he drove past in his Rambler Matador X (read big red yank tank) all I saw of him was his side profile as he drove past. I thought I am going to marry him. I didn't know where he lived or who he was but I was certain of it.


I then, as you do decided to find out who he was, where he lived and 'make him mine'. I soon learnt that I went to school with his sister and to make things even more exciting he lived literally two houses up from mine (1/2 a km maybe even less) 

SEE GORGEOUS!!!

I made friends with his sister shortly after, now I must clarify that his sister would have been my friend anyway had I have spoken to her before seeing him. I just happen to be the sort of person who does not start talking to people willy nilly, yes even people i live two doors down from and am on a school bus with for at least and hour and a half every weekday. Take from that what you will.


Naturally I visited her often. She is great fun and we had a great time but there was of course an added benefit. Her brother was freaking GORGEOUS and I was on a mission... eventually we were 'going out' and were both very happy about that. By September of that year he had told me he loved me THEN I told him I loved him too (I mean you don't just go in there declaring your love to people left, right and centre now do you.)


A year had passed and I found out I was pregnant. Quite dramatic for me at the time but he was excited about it and after being given the option to run screaming in the opposite direction he decided he was not( as i told him  'I am keeping my baaaaaaybeeeeee') and we decided to move to Brisbane, well I decided we were moving to Brisbane. 


I'll save the rest of that story for later. After ten years together living in sin with our 3 'bastard' children (again kids if you're reading this you know I mean born out of wedlock ) we married and had our honeymoon baby Alannah nine months four days later give or take a day or two. Followed buy 3 more 'legitimate' children. 

** Updated 26th June 2010 **

We still have not had a Honeymoon and one day we plan too. But until then we will continue as we always have, loving each other like crazy (with odd moments of me wishing I hadn't decided to 'hunt him down' and he wishing he didn't admire my pink shorts so much).